For this past two years, I have been through a
lot. Not that I’m
complaining because I bet that there weren’t
only me in the downstairs of the world and I completely aware that our life was
like a roller-coaster; you’re on the top when you’re
happy and you’re down when you’re
torn apart.
2012 will be gone when December will come to an end and
it a matter of time for me to make a conclusion of my journey at 2012. I don’t
know if it was one of truly adventurous, dangerous and priceless and flawless
journey I ever experienced because honestly, I kind of blurry right here. I don’t
know how I used to feel but I know I have been cried a lot for this past years
and I have been shutting everyone out of my life.
I know there was something wrong in me. I didn’t
stop the aching from spreading further throughout my body. I didn’t
stop the tears from slipping off my eyelids and scraping down my face. I finally learn how to survive it and the
only way that way possible was when I sat through it and felt every bit of me
wrench in pain. I let the pain burn
inside me until it passed because I no longer had the option of walking away
anymore.
I had learned so much, so quickly, that somewhere along
the way it just become normal- like it was okay that I would find myself
hurting. To some cold, unwanted extent,
I had hardened inside. I wasn’t so much the person I used to be and I know it was
because I was broken. There were pieces
of me scattered everywhere, submerging themselves in the dark places to make it
impossible to find again for someone to pair.
Well, pain, hurting and broken were probably the accurately
words to use to describe what I have been felt for this past years. And it doesn’t
stop there. I wanted to be okay with
living in the latter but my heart and my mind didn’t seem to be on the same page.
For now, it is the clearest thing amidst the sea of
perplexity – not being myself
was no longer a choice, it is an inevitability.
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