Confession of Lonely Human

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head.  They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed.  Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone.  There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain.  An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?  And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?  And will you never try to reach me?  It is I that wanted space.

Hate me today.  Hate me tomorrow.  Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you. Hate me in ways hard to swallow.  Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you.

In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night.  While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight.  You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate.  You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take.  So I’ll drive so far away that I never cross your mind.  And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave.  Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made.  And like a baby girl I never was a woman.  Until I saw your dark eyes cry and I held your face in my hand and then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”  Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be.  Then you whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Life Is A Garden

They say, life is like a boxing match – you don’t lose when you get knocked down.  You lose by staying down.  So, continually rise, continually grown and continually succeed.

I’ve hear that life is like a roller coaster that we can either scream every time we hit a bum or we can throw our hand up in the air and enjoy it. Or… life is like war – life and death, everything is a struggle, battle, troops, armies, conflict, the enemy, resistance, us and them, and the hierarchy of command.

If I’m not be mistaken I also has hear some say life is just like painting – draw the lines with hope while erase the errors with tolerance.

A couple day earlier I’ve read this one book that say life is like photography – develop from negatives or digital, looking for beauty, focus on one thing to succeed, requires skill, close up or panoramic, full of snap shots.

Even in my previous post, I have say that life is like surfing.  I’d believe that there another great metaphor for life as like life is a garden because: 

We have to be willing to plant the seeds and plant the plants.

We have to go out and buy them, dig a hole and stick them in and do all sorts of bending, lifting and squatting.  Just like the way we live our life - we build dreams, place and stick it deep inside of our heart as we let and learn bringing new thing into our own life.

We have to have patience

As we waits for seed to grow – just like when we be patience when our life turn into something that we have never ever imagine at all.  It’s hard, it’s tougher and it’s rougher yet somehow, we manage to keep ourselves lock down and inhale/exhale calmly.

If we don’t do the work, we don’t eat.

We don’t plant; we don’t get to eat because there’s nothing on the garden.  And that’s a lot like life.  We have to stay strong and keep walking even though right in front of us the bigger storm we’ve witness.  Or otherwise, we’ll fail.

It’s hard to do it alone

It’s all true.  We need someone’s help and it’s always better if we have people around to help out when we need it.  Like when you have to go to the town for a things then you’d ask someone like your neighbor/friend/husband to take care of your garden while you’re out.  In living our life, we also can’t be alone because, sure we can success and being a independent person, but there are time when we feel like we needing someone.  I’m sure we can’t lose something/someone precious in our life, right?  So, let them in if they want to help.

Sometimes, we have to let thing go

Like when our favorite plants fall down in a storm.  There’s nothing else we can do except saying good-bye and learning to let thing go is good because if we still stick around the old things, then how will a new thing come into our life?

It’s all about love

Ultimately, the reward for gardening and living can’t be measured in time, ringgit or possessions.  It’s only about love.  We do it for love.  Love is the reward.  Love is all the maters.  After all, love is all that lasts after we are gone.

Regret

Talking about missing opportunities and seizing chances make me wonder.  There is always moments in our life when we think back to a certain point in time and tell ourselves that we should have done something. Most of the time, we choose to move passed it because we said to ourselves, ‘life must goes on’ and sometimes it too regretful that makes we wish every night we could go back in time and change it.

Regret is a difficult thing to have in our life because we can never really get rid of it.  Even the people who manage to redeem themselves, whatever they do now doesn’t change the fact that they didn’t do it before.  Life does not have a remote control.  There is no rewind, delete, and restart.

I have missed my late-grandmother (from my father’s side) very much since she was gone on May 06, 2007.It been almost six years now but it feel just like yesterday when I talked to her or having an argument with her and then we going cool, back together.  Days I regret: Never having said what should’ve been said, while I had the time, while she was still alive.

And I’m not ready to losing another one right now.  In fact, I will never ready for the rest of my life.  My grandfather (from my mother’s side), has been in hospital for a long while now and every time I come to invited him, I practically can’t control myself from not bursting into tears. I still try to cope with this situation and I have been listening to ‘My Love like a Star’ for a while now too.  It seems look like the most terrible idea; choosing a sad song as my motivation to stay strong but as for me, it’s work because my love for him just like the way it say in the song. Days I regret: I never have said what could’ve been said while I had his ear, while he was still near.

Regret can be devastating because it can mean you kill the potential of something else happening, something you may later realize you wanted but by then it’s too late.

So guys, don’t ever missing the opportunities and seizing the chances.

We Believe In Magical, Once

Remember when we were children and we looked at life in total wonder and awe?  Life was magical and exciting and the smallest things were utterly thrilling to us.  We were fascinated by the frost on the grass, a butterfly flittering through the air or any strange leaf or rock on the ground.

But somehow as we grew into adults, responsibilities, problems and difficulties took their toll on us.  We become disillusioned and the magic we once believed in as children faded and disappeared.

Let’s just face it; The reason why as adults we love to be around children, so that we can experience that feeling we once had, even if it’s just for a moment.

People Are Not Mirrors

You know, sometime you have to accept the fact that you can’t change everything in this world just like you wanted too.  That weren’t all that pretty – the entire thing they’ve been done and now they’ve been talking behind me about things they never say to me.

People can be cruel, sometimes – when they tried to hide their own guilt, they will point a finger across us to make us look like it was our fault.  Or when they can’t have what they wanted and they got frustration and in the end they feel angry and they just blame it on us.

As much as I feel like a victim in this ‘bullies game’, I’m always have a the clearer view in my mind because I don’t give a shit about the fact if they were already spread those little liars to everyone else.  Because seriously… "people are not mirrors; they see me completely differently than the way I see myself."