I saw this one piece of picture on the internet.  That picture kind of makes me pissed off and in my head I just can’t stop scream like ‘NO! NO!”

I want to disappear from this world with “Cough Syrup” with me. Walk on the universe and kick every star that block my way.  Then, I just cry at the middle of no way.  Well, if there will be a rain then it must be my tears and when you hear a thunder, it’s my heart beat.

That stupid picture ruins my day, obviously.

Katniss's Salute

"It means thanks, it means admiration, it means good-bye to someone you love."

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

Glitter In My Veins

Our life experiences shape our personal beliefs and convictions.  This blog has my name on it for a reason (well, not my real name but it’s a name that address to me) because it is a forum for my opinions and thoughts.  I choose to share these sometimes a very personal thoughts with the world in hopes that maybe I can reach someone who is facing a similar struggle and maybe, in some way, I can create a connection.

But thing’s odd though.  I only start my blog like a couple days before but I get an insane page view but I found out that I only have one follower.  I don’t know if people actually read my blog or just scan by.  But whatever.  Happy to blast.

As I put pen to paper and write, I drift away and wonder; will anyone ever make me happy as I am now?  When I am lost in my personal thoughts and expression?  Will anyone can make me be myself as I felt be myself while I’m writing?  I am not so sure anymore.

I'm in love.  Sure, feeling of puppy love and infatuation are always there.  I love him, But, eventually, when I was with him I sort of don’t know how to write and what to think anymore because I was too busy to keep my commitment to him and I kind of lost myself by a mission to be perfect for him.  And that was OK.  

When I write, I lose myself but I found myself back.  The lined paper is supportive, the voice is strong and it is my voice that carries me through.  Will I ever feel passionate about another person the way I do for writing?  Diamond, marriages and babies are supposed to be what life is all about.  All these things center on the universal feeling of love.  But I’ve realized that I am satisfied being me, on my own terms.  Will love come in and ruin the strength I’ve worked so hard for this past year?  These are all questions I’ve had to face and seek answers to… and to say it’s been difficult is a gross understatement.

Not that I felt regret about my relationship but when I was with him, I don’t have a time for myself, to writing and being lost in this beautiful thought.  I do proud to be with him.  Proudly so.  But I don’t want to live my life as love prisoner like; ‘You suppose to reply my text or call me the moment you got it’, or ‘I want us to spend our time together just like this’.  Oh believe me, I am a girl who wears her big heart on her sleeve but…it’s only happened when I needed it to be happen. 

Elizabeth Gilbert once said; “I believe that if you are serious about a life of writing, or indeed about any creative form of expression, that you should take on this work like a holy calling.  I become a writer the way other people become monks or nuns.  I made a vow to writing, very young.  I become Bride-of-Writing.  I was writing’s most devotional handmaiden.  I built my entire life around writing.”

Like Elizabeth Gilbert, I also become a writer the way other people become monks or nuns or teacher or doctor or president.  I built my entire life around writing.  Just, I still don’t have an encouragement to publish all my unscripted line.  I love to write.  And I’m proud to be independent, even if that means my sparkle comes from my heart and not from my empty wallet.

 

 Those girls can buy their glitter to sparkler their body with it but I don’t’ have to buy it like them because in the end, I’m a girl who has glitter running through her veins.  I’m the girl who thinks independence is oh-so-sexy and a career is oh-so-amazing.  Sure, maybe I’ll always be the girl struggling in some form or another.  I’ll never be perfect.

People Change, You Learn

I guess people change all the time to cope with everything, anything surrounding them.  In another time, people learn.  I maybe young.  Probably you didn’t give a damn about what I’m about to say or think.  But you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.  And definitely you judges books by their covers, right.  To be honest, mine too.  For example, the one with the dull covers, boring illustration and don’t interest me.  But again in this page, we’re here to learn.

I think by seeing thing with your eyes make you’re mature.  And when you combine it with your heart, bam!  You’re experience it.  You don’t have to experience actual thing to get you understand.  You have your heart.  And then your eyes.

For me, no matter how old are you, no matter you’re still single, dating, mess around and married, you’re still fighting to get know who you really are and what are you.  If you’re not now, then it will be soon because people change.  Not that I said you’re don’t have commitment to the thing you had chose or do, you’re commitment, baby.  But thing will change.  So to cope with it, you’re change.  Me too.  They three.

Simple example like mine.  Once upon a time, I used BM as my language for my writing or chose novel in BM for me to read but right now I found out that I loved to use BI in my writing and I had read like a thousand novel in BI.  Not that I’m cocky because my grammar still suck but my point is I’d change. My need is change.  I still learn baby. Maybe in the future, I will use French or Spanish.  Who knew?  Haha.

I agree with Alanis Morrissette when she said; you live you learn, you love you learn, you cry you learn, you lose you learn, you bleed you learn, you scream you learn.

I hate it when people like to judge without willing to put their footstep in the situation or tried to find a proof first.  Even actual judge needed a proof before she/he makes a decision.  Okay that was so not my point.  My point is people change and when they’re change please don’t judge because you do change too or it’s not like you live in a better live than them or perfect than them.

We’re not perfect.  We need each other to be perfect, I guess.  We do many sin.  Judge was sin too.  When judgment day comes, what are you going to say to God?

Wedding Rings Is A Handcuff

Confession from a heart-broken girl/woman when their partner was cheating on them.

If a person perhaps knew everything that had happened in the past, the very question that such person would ask is how did it happen that we are still together.  The simple answer to that is because that was what we choose, to be and that's what we choose to do.

It was true that some would say cheating, it was dead end.  You would have to have limits as to loving somebody and the easiest way is to bail out.  But i had my flaws too.  I had at the very least abandoned them (a person).  I allowes it happen because I settled for the security that is marriage and I thought nothing would change because I had banked them (A person).  I had tie them (a person) down but it really isn't like that.

The road to here wasn't easy, that I can confidently say so.  But then again the reason why I am married to them (A person) is because i love them (a person), that is the ultimate reason why I forgave them (a person).  Maybe it's not the same for everybody.

After everything that had happened, i promised them (a person) I would try, but I got tired of trying and I felt like instead of just trying I should be doing it.  What I should've promised was to just do it, to just fix it with them (a person), because trying is like being half hearted.  I felt tired of being mad, of being angry, being doubtful and of being afraid.  I just wanted to feel the good feeling of being with them (a person) because after all the anger, the doubts, the fears and they (a person) finally there.  That is the time that I felt most peaceful, most secured.  It was with them (a person) that I felt that, only them (a person, no-need-to-be-named).

The easy way would've been to end it and leave them (a person, no-need-to-be-named), find another person who would make me happy, who wouldn't do what they (a person, no-need-to-be-named)  did and forget everything and not to think about it and about them (a person, no-need-to-be-named). 

But ultimately, if you think about it, at one point in your life you chose that person, to be with ready for yourself to wake up in the morning with the same person everyday of your life, that even if you would want to wake up only with yourself you won't because not only would you always be together but in concept and in heart, you are one and like a dollar bill, you can't just be torn apart, because tearing it apart would render the other half use less. I thought about it many times, would I love another person the same way, I knew I won't, and I would always wonder what would've happened if I stayed.

To err is human and to forgive is divine. When people get married, they pledge, they promise, they commit to that person, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do you part. But what really is better and what really is worse. Rethinking it, how easily some people would give up on marriages and just walk away after the other makes a mistake.

When we made this vow, more than the security more than the commitment, the driving force was love. I love them (a person), more than anyone else in the world and when the anger, the doubts, the hate, and the fears have faded and after letting go of it all, what remained in my heart was love. Because that's what I chose to feed, to grow and continued to harbor and all through those times, I felt loved too, because behind all the things that had happened, We, in this marriage. resemble a pair of shears, so jointed together that they cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions yet always punishing anyone who comes between them. That's what we did with everything that happened and i can confidently say we are now stronger, and if someone was to ask whether it will happen again, I would say, we would do our best for it not to.

I love them (a person),  and them (a person),  loves me and we are holding on to this love tightly as we ever imagined we could and somehow, that's all that matters.
 

I know right?  That was a very distressful confession.  And yet it does show how brave and stronger she has been.  I spend my time to try to understand what it must feel when your partner was cheating on you.  I try to create the strong role model on the back of my head.  Just in case, just in case…

But when I did this, I just can’t keep the piece together like a month.  I really want to understand the situation (about the pain that a girl/woman have to face when their couple/partner was cheating on them).  It was for my journal actually.

Happy to dig in:)

Strawberries It Is

This happened to a couple where they try to talk about the future of their relationship.

"Hear me out.  I know it's gonna be hard for us to be away from each other.  But it's like, when i was four, I decides that strawberries were my favourite fruit.  So i ate them with everything.  I ate them in cereal, I ate them on sandwiches, I put them in Spaghetti... I had to have them with every meal.  And one day mom just lost it and she said I couldn't have any more until I ate some other fruit too.  And you know what, I'm glad i did.  Because strawberries are totally still my favourite, but... I wouldn't know that for sure if I hadn't tried all that other stuff."

"Well, strawberries are my favourite too.  What exactly are you saying?"

"I'm just saying that...wherever you are, if you happen to see a kiwi, or you know, a pineapple or something that looks good, maybe you should try it.  Just to see what it's like.  Because if all you're ever had is strawberries, how do you really know you like them best?

"And the thought of me...trying other fruit doesn't bother you at all?"

"Maybe a little but I think it could be good for you.  For us."

"What if I don't want to try anything else?  What if the thought of anything beside strawberries make me get the pre-hurling taste in my mouth?  I mean, who know where some of that stuff even comes from.  It could be rotten in the middle.  It could be covered in pesticide from some third world country."

"Well, I'm not saying buy if off the street."

"Wait, just so I'm clear, we're not talking about actual fruit right now, are we?"

"I'm not sure anymore.  Metaphors are confusing."

:) Happy reading.  I hope I'm not confusing you too.