Glitter In My Veins

Our life experiences shape our personal beliefs and convictions.  This blog has my name on it for a reason (well, not my real name but it’s a name that address to me) because it is a forum for my opinions and thoughts.  I choose to share these sometimes a very personal thoughts with the world in hopes that maybe I can reach someone who is facing a similar struggle and maybe, in some way, I can create a connection.

But thing’s odd though.  I only start my blog like a couple days before but I get an insane page view but I found out that I only have one follower.  I don’t know if people actually read my blog or just scan by.  But whatever.  Happy to blast.

As I put pen to paper and write, I drift away and wonder; will anyone ever make me happy as I am now?  When I am lost in my personal thoughts and expression?  Will anyone can make me be myself as I felt be myself while I’m writing?  I am not so sure anymore.

I'm in love.  Sure, feeling of puppy love and infatuation are always there.  I love him, But, eventually, when I was with him I sort of don’t know how to write and what to think anymore because I was too busy to keep my commitment to him and I kind of lost myself by a mission to be perfect for him.  And that was OK.  

When I write, I lose myself but I found myself back.  The lined paper is supportive, the voice is strong and it is my voice that carries me through.  Will I ever feel passionate about another person the way I do for writing?  Diamond, marriages and babies are supposed to be what life is all about.  All these things center on the universal feeling of love.  But I’ve realized that I am satisfied being me, on my own terms.  Will love come in and ruin the strength I’ve worked so hard for this past year?  These are all questions I’ve had to face and seek answers to… and to say it’s been difficult is a gross understatement.

Not that I felt regret about my relationship but when I was with him, I don’t have a time for myself, to writing and being lost in this beautiful thought.  I do proud to be with him.  Proudly so.  But I don’t want to live my life as love prisoner like; ‘You suppose to reply my text or call me the moment you got it’, or ‘I want us to spend our time together just like this’.  Oh believe me, I am a girl who wears her big heart on her sleeve but…it’s only happened when I needed it to be happen. 

Elizabeth Gilbert once said; “I believe that if you are serious about a life of writing, or indeed about any creative form of expression, that you should take on this work like a holy calling.  I become a writer the way other people become monks or nuns.  I made a vow to writing, very young.  I become Bride-of-Writing.  I was writing’s most devotional handmaiden.  I built my entire life around writing.”

Like Elizabeth Gilbert, I also become a writer the way other people become monks or nuns or teacher or doctor or president.  I built my entire life around writing.  Just, I still don’t have an encouragement to publish all my unscripted line.  I love to write.  And I’m proud to be independent, even if that means my sparkle comes from my heart and not from my empty wallet.

 

 Those girls can buy their glitter to sparkler their body with it but I don’t’ have to buy it like them because in the end, I’m a girl who has glitter running through her veins.  I’m the girl who thinks independence is oh-so-sexy and a career is oh-so-amazing.  Sure, maybe I’ll always be the girl struggling in some form or another.  I’ll never be perfect.